Tardigrades are adorable...

only known photo of a tardigrade crumping

...so adorable they make me sick.

These tiny moss piglets think that just because they can go without food or water for 120 years and survive temperatures of absolute zero, they can strut around the microscopic world like their gods gift to tardigrade women. Just look at the lack of fucks that these tardigrades give. I don't know about you guys but I can't take it anymore! Let me tell you something you little waterbear; you're lucky I'm not small enough to blow into that cute little nose-hole of yours - or is that your asshole? Either way, it's alluring as hell. Wait, what?

Flat-face got a bike

Yay?! You made it on the seat of a tricycle - Whoop-de-fucking-doo. Do you want a medal or something? I don't recall giving out awards for mediocrity. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Why don't you take up a hobby where you have half a chance, like live action role-playing. You can be Lord of the idiots.

i can returns u

Well.... I bet the owner didn't remember buying this. Here's to hoping you and your dumb, blank stare are comfortable in the cat equivalent of a hammock. It would be more satisfying to be looking at a plastic bag full of garbage on it's way to the curb. 

MSRP: $3.99

Grumpy Cat signs movie deal -- or something

According to the National Post, Grumpy cat (aka Tartar sauce) has a movie deal.

Tarter sauce -- how the hell did you get a movie deal? You look like my foot.

I'm sick of society rewarding these idiots who contribute nothing. I'm dead serious when I say, I'd put my dick inside a 3-hole puncher before I would even consider watching this ungrateful little puke prance around the big screen.

Justice Served!

You think you're cute shit, don't you? Don't think we don't know the plotting and scheming that goes on in-between that bulbous head of yours - I'm on to you, you smug son of a bitch.

And what's with the pouty face? You think you've got big problems or something? MY WI-FI CONNECTION JUST WENT DOWN TO 3 BARS, ASSHOLE.

Not that corner, dummy

There aren't many things that completely piss me off, but i'm done dealing with shit from jerkoffs like this.

It's one thing to get scared because you likely pooped on something important, it's another thing to completely block the use of perfectly functioning power outlets.

The ironing will have to wait until you're taught where to feel sorry for yourself.

Nailed it!

Honestly, are you so incompetent that you cannot even take a sip of water without looking like a complete fob? You're a GD cat for ****-sakes. A bountiful watering hole was even provided for you - all you had to do was gracefully hydrate yourself and you couldn't even do that. 

If you were looking to die a virgin -- NAILED IT. 

Oh look, nap time... again

Oh, I'm sorry - is 15 hours of sleep a day not enough for you? You can't even sleep right - look at you! You probably don't even know who was behind the Watergate scandal. Maybe you'd know a bit more if you got up and did something with your life. 

If I found you on my couch like that, you'd wake up swimming with the fishes.

It's Someone's Birthday!

LOLOL!?! Great job stretching out the neck hole, fat neck. I also couldn't help but notice that you have more candles than friends -- can't say I'm surprised though; turtleneck with horizontal strips?? What is this, circa 1960? 

Hope you wished for some friends...

This kitten seems harmless enough

To the untrained eye you might think that this kitten is doing nothing but finding little nooks to stick its fat head in - but don't be fooled! This little guy is blocking the center console; the epicenter of every motor vehicle, impeded your view of the time and local radio stations. This kitten doesn't give two shits about you or your safety. 

Garbage bin > Kitten