Tardigrades are adorable...

only known photo of a tardigrade crumping

...so adorable they make me sick.

These tiny moss piglets think that just because they can go without food or water for 120 years and survive temperatures of absolute zero, they can strut around the microscopic world like their gods gift to tardigrade women. Just look at the lack of fucks that these tardigrades give. I don't know about you guys but I can't take it anymore! Let me tell you something you little waterbear; you're lucky I'm not small enough to blow into that cute little nose-hole of yours - or is that your asshole? Either way, it's alluring as hell. Wait, what?

Flat-face got a bike

Yay?! You made it on the seat of a tricycle - Whoop-de-fucking-doo. Do you want a medal or something? I don't recall giving out awards for mediocrity. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Why don't you take up a hobby where you have half a chance, like live action role-playing. You can be Lord of the idiots.

i can returns u

Well.... I bet the owner didn't remember buying this. Here's to hoping you and your dumb, blank stare are comfortable in the cat equivalent of a hammock. It would be more satisfying to be looking at a plastic bag full of garbage on it's way to the curb. 

MSRP: $3.99

Grumpy Cat signs movie deal -- or something

According to the National Post, Grumpy cat (aka Tartar sauce) has a movie deal.

Tarter sauce -- how the hell did you get a movie deal? You look like my foot.

I'm sick of society rewarding these idiots who contribute nothing. I'm dead serious when I say, I'd put my dick inside a 3-hole puncher before I would even consider watching this ungrateful little puke prance around the big screen.